A Mighty Wind

With all the discussion over the rules regarding The Sporadic Gasbag Roundtable, Admiral Pooper Scooper assuming the position and my steady diet of broccoli and Hoppin' John the subject of Missouri Mud Ducks seems to have taken center stage as a conversation topic. Perhaps it was more than a coincidence that I found this article in the paper the other day.

Gas Normal, Author Says; Often Treatable
BY PATRICIA ANSTETT
Detroit Free Press
Let 'er rip, America; flatulence is exploding. It's in new medical books for millions of people with the problem. It's the not-so-silent theme of a popular series of children's books called "Walter the Farting Dog." And it's the topic of a new Web site (www.trafon.com) that encourages open discussion about gas and that is updated monthly with seasonal and sporting event twists.

I was heartened to learn that it is completely normal to fart 10-20 times per day. Once you've read the article you might have some fun with this. My favorite is the plant killer.

Can 50,000,000 Elvis Fans Finally Be Wrong?

Everyone likes to leave their job with a bang. Perhaps the most infamous example is the story of the "vandalism" done to the White House by outgoing Clinton Administration staff including the removal of the W keys from all of the computers. Although most of the accusations weren't true they made for a good story.

When I quit my last job I left a scathing open letter to the head of the organization, complaining about my direct supervisor, on the desktop of my computer. I later heard that she kept my entire workstation in lockdown mode for a week while she went through every file in every folder on every drive in order to purge the computer of evidence. While I never actually sent the letter the desired effect was achieved.

So I was wondering the other day, what sort of odd pleasure outgoing Interior Secretary Gale Norton must be feeling knowing that her swan song is the naming of Graceland as a National Historic Landmark. While Graceland is certainly a popular vacation destination, in terms of histroical significance, it hardly compares with The White House, Mount Vernon or Alcatraz Island.

Don't get me wrong, I like Elvis as much as the next guy. His pre-Army music helped lay the foundation for Rock'n'Roll and his performance of Hound Dog on the Ed Sullivan show in 1956 was legendary. Unfortunately, once he left the Army, he also left behind much of what made him great. His later life devolved into something of a sad cartoon for which Graceland served as a fittingly decadent canvas. A more proper tribute to Elvis and the birth of Rock'n'Roll would be to designate Sun Studio a National Landmark. It is there that history was actually made.

However, now that it's official let me suggest a few more locations for consideration:

* Lake Merwin, Oregon reputed landing site of fugitive D.B. Cooper.

* 7th St. and Nicollet Av. in Mpls, MN. This was the site made famous during the opening credits of the Mary Tyler Moore show. It has since been immortalized in bronze.

* Jellystone National Park, home of Yogi Bear and the place where I fell into a campfire at the age of 4. I still have the scar to prove it.

* The Bermuda Triangle although I'm afraid the sign would likely disappear.

* Lake Wobegon, MN. Where the women are strong, the men are good looking and all the children are above average.

The latest edition to The Sporadic Gasbag Roundtable is by Oneear. He has reviewed (and perhaps misunderstood the quintessential pregnancy book, "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I don't think it was what he expected.

Two Peas In A Pod

Last week I was at the local coffee shop minding my own business eavesdropping on the other patrons when I was drawn to a conversation taking place between two women at a table across the room. I caught bits and pieces...

- "...are you kidding? President Bush..."

- "...the Pope told John Kerry he couldn't..."

- "...Jesus died for us so that we..."

...but not enough to fully satisfy my voyeuristic tendancies. I needed more but I was hesitant to leave my chair. It was really comfortable after all.

Fortuantely for me they moved from their table and settled on the couch directly across from me. As they sat down the louder one politely asked, "Do you mind if we sit here and talk?"
"Not at all" I said, "but don't be surprised if I join your conversation."

I was feeling bold.

Sensing a potential ally the loud one invited me in, "By all means join us. Are you a Republican or a Democrat?"
"That's kind of a personal question when you don't even know my name" I replied.
Backpeddaling, the loud one explained, "I only asked because if you're a Democrat I want you on my side and if you're a Republican she'd want you on her side."

It was at that point I realized that these were not two like-minded souls mulling over the sad/joyous state of affairs. Rather they were polar opposites engaged in the most polite, and yet pointless debate in human history. They screamed stereotype. The loud one (Democrat) was vivacious with big bushy dark hair tousled in a devil-may-care attitude that I'm sure took her hours to perfect. She threw herself on the couch with arms and legs askew, confident in her own self-assuredness. The quite one (Republican) appeared very proper, she wore a modest ski sweater, turtleneck and had impecable posture. And her hair was perfect.

In fact they came across not as mere opposites but characatures, grossly exaggerated for the benefit of the viewing public (Me) so that there would be no confusion as to where they stood. I half expected Jim Lehrer or Charlie Gibson to jump in with a question from the audience or to notify them that their time had expired. These two were polished, determined, and not about to listen to, let alone be swayed by, the other's arguements.

Here is a sample of their exchange.

On The Bible
R: "I have been truly studying the bible for three years, right now I'm reading the Songs of Solomon. What is your favorite book?"
D: "I've read pieces here and there so I've probably read the whole thing by now but I don't have a favorite book. Besides There are so many flaws in the Bible and so many other sacred texts that I don't feel the need to be limited by just one."

On Self-Actualization
R: "I was raised in a Catholic family but we didn't go to church a lot. Then, three years ago I was born again and my life was changed. Now I live every day for the glory of God and I strive to live his Word. I go to church regularly and I'm in a study group as well. Next month we are going on a mission to Africa."
D: "I've been in therapy for years."

On God
R: "God is loving, righteous and just. He wants the best for us and only asks that we worship him by living his commandments."
D: "I think your God need lots of therapy."
R: "I won't tell him you said that."

On Spiritual Education
R: "My bible study group meets once a week. I also spend time discussing my faith with my husband and I meet regularly with our pastor."
D: "Have you read The DaVinci Code? It is the most enlightening book ever and it reveals all of the secrets the church has kept hidden in order to oppress women. I'll borrow (sic) it to you along with four other supporting books."

On Seeking Support
R: "You should meet our Women's Pastor, you would really like her."
D: "Why do you need a Women's Pastor? Can't you talk to a man?"
R: "I really appreciate having a Women's Pastor at my church. I wouldn't feel comfortable telling Pastor Bill that I am having trouble climaxing, for example." (I resisted the temptation to tell her that I could help her with that problem.)
D: "Don't you understand that the institutional sexism in our society is telling you that you shouldn't feel comfortable talking to men."

It was perhaps the most entertaining 30 minutes of my week.

Introducing...

...our newest nephew, Hank David Detlie. Born March 22nd, 2006.

Birds Of A Feather

Tonight I read this really fascinating article in the City Pages, our local alternative weekly, about the potential bird flu pandemic. The article consists of an interview with Dr. Michael Osterholm, Director of the University of Minnesota's Center for Infectious Disease. He is widely considered one of the foremost experts on Infectious Disease around the world.

His essential premise is that the H5N1 virus that first appeared in Hong Kong in 1997 is a "kissing cousin" of the 1918 virus that killed 5% of those it infected. The genetic make-up is remarkably similar and the fact that both seem to have passed directly from birds to humans makes them different from the viruses that struck in 1957 and 1968. Unlike the 1918 virus, this one has killed nearly 55% of those infected. That is what makes it so dangerous.

He goes on to explain how this flu pandemic, if it even materializes, will spread much more quickly than most people realize and the we (the entire world) are woefully unprepared. He states that not only is a potential vaccine years away, but the entire heath care infrastructure would collapse under the weight of the overwhelming demand for just-in-time supplies. The devastating way in which hurricane Katrina separated people from adequate heath care, establishing evacuation as the only response, would be repeated in cities all across the country.

The good news? He feels the H5N1 is not likely to have a major impact in this country largely due to factory farms. He explains it this way:

CP: Do you think the rise of poultry farms of vast scale has contributed to the viral soup that influenza viruses grow in?

Osterholm: Not really, and I'll tell you why. When you look at the rise of the really big bird operations, they are actually raised in these bio-security barns, which people have all kinds of problems with for entirely different reasons-humaneness and that kind of thing. They actually are very safe, generally speaking, because they keep the wild birds and the domestic birds separate. It's in Asia where you have all these small 20-, 40-, 50-chicken operations where the birds are living in open space with you-that's where the vast majority of the chicken population is at in the developing world. A good example is Turkey, where we're seeing the first cases outside of Asia now. This is taking the virus out of a tropical area and putting it in a temperate area that gets cold. Every night, those people bring their chickens into the house. It's just a very different mindset. And for as much as this is going to come here someday, [bird-to-human transmission] is not going to be a big risk factor to humans on this continent, because other than free-ranging organic birds that are out there, domestic birds aren't going to be at big risk.

The bottom line is that just like hurricanes, earthquakes, and tsunamis, pandemic influenza happens. Whether this will be the one is impossible to predict. Read the whole article here.

No Accounting For Taste -Updated-

When it comes to food I'm willing to try almost anything once. So after reading Atilla The Mom's post on Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans I had to try them.

I've never been afraid to experiment with unusual flavor combinations. Yesterday I stopped at my favorite ice cream shop and had a cone of Guinness ice cream. It wasn't as good as I'd hoped but it wasn't terrible either. I tried the Salted Caramel and the Italian Strawberry made with balsamic vinegar but my favorite is still the the Roasted Garlic and Almond Chip ice cream. For someone who loves garlic it was a real treat. I also have a wonderful recipe for Garlic Chocolate Chip Cookies if anyone is interested.

Last night I asked FrankenKristin to pick up a box of Bertie Bott's during her daily trip to Target and this morning Luke and I sampled a few. We skipped by the usual flavors, (grape, lemon drop, cherry) and went right for the good stuff. Here is my assessment so far.

Ear Wax - As Atilla The Mom said, who's to say what ear wax should taste like. Nonetheless, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Sardines - Holy crap! This really did taste like sardines. Even coated with sugar I still hate them.

Dirt - Again, right on the money. Luke spit it out, started crying, and refused to eat any more.

Grass - Not bad, but I had this one right after the Buttered Popcorn so I think my taste buds were a little biased.

Tonight we'll go for the vomit, worms and boogers. Thanks, Atilla for the idea.

++++++++++ Updated by Sven @ 9:05pm ++++++++++

The kids and I finished the box this evening. No Vomit, no Boogers, no Soap, but worst of all no Bacon. We did enjoy the Black Pepper. Emma was courageous enough to try Sardine (which she spit out as well) and Luke, who overcame his earlier traumatization, sampled Grass. Earthworm tasted supsiciously like Dirt. Go figure.

Homophone, Of Sorts

Whale Oil Beef Hooked.

(say it really fast)

Three Years Later

*At around 0230 GMT on March 20th, 2003, shortly after the 48-hour deadline for Saddam Hussein to quit expired, The United States launched its first series of air strikes on Baghdad.

*On May 1, 2003, speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, President Bush announced an end to major combat operations in Iraq.

*On May 31, 2005, Vice President Cheney declared the Iraqi insurgency to be in its "last throes".

*Republican Senator Chuck Hagel declared that "we're losing in Iraq" on June 19th. 2005.

*To this date a total of 2317 American soldiers have been killed in the war with Iraq, 2180 since "major combat operations ended".

*Although it is nearly impossible to accurately count the number of dead Iraqis, the total is estimated to be more than 33,600.

*Based on congressional appropriations, the estimated cost of the war in Iraq is more than $248 billion.

My heart aches.

Caption Contest

What could Secretary Rice possibly be referring to? Does she know something we don't? Leave a caption for this photo in the comment section.